My Gay Life

I realized I liked boys around the 5th grade or when I was 10. However, I did not realize this was different at the time or that there was a word for this. It would be another several years and a lot of stories before I realized it was different and there was a word for it.

It probably really sunk in that I like boys shortly after my dad caught me watching TV naked when I was 12. I was home alone and not expecting him for a while and all of the sudden he showed up. I have always been somewhat of a nudist and I was just watching TV naked because I did not want to wear clothes. Well my dad thought I was up to something else and explained things to me. After he caught me he sat me down for a conversation and asked if I was masturbating. I had no idea what masturbating was at the time and he unwittingly filled me in on all of the details. It was then that I realized that what I was doing with my friend was masturbating, but by that time we had quit doing it.

So of course a little while after our conversation I started masturbating again, but only this time carrying it through to the finish. All of my fantasies while doing this were of my neighbors. They were all I had to go on. It was also around this time that I started noticing my friends at school talking about girls and dating them. I started looking at girls and just wondered why anyone would want to hang out with them and have never figured out the answer to that.

This is when I realized I was different than my friends, but I still did not know I was gay. I was still in elementary school and too sheltered to know this.

It was probably another two years before I realized I was gay. In Middle School I started running Cross Country and Track and met a bunch of new friends. My 8th grade year my friends convinced me to ask a girl out. I really did not want to, but I did it just to get my friends off my back. In the stumbling way all young kids ask people out I asked her out. She politely responded not right now, and that was the end of it. The one and only time I have asked a girl out on a date.

It was when my friends were harassing me to ask her out that I realized I was gay.

Realizing I was gay and realizing I liked boys are two entirely separate things. I think the first question is when did I realize I liked boys.

It was in the fourth grade when some of my friends started talking about girls. Before then all of the talk was about boys. However, I was a closeted kid and did not think anything of this. It was in the 5th grade when my school did the first mention of sex ed. However, this was more about puberty and child molestation than actual sexuality.

I do not think I even realized I liked boys when I first started playing around with my neighbor. Now there is a story I cannot pass up.

I had a neighbor Jason who lived across the street. Both of his parent’s worked so he was always alone in his house. He was 2-3 years older than me but I did not care, he had all of the great toys. One day I went over to his house to hang out. When he let me in he told me he had something to show me. I did not know what it was at the time, but now I know it was a masturbatory aid.

He showed me how it worked taking off his clothes and using it for a little bit. He never got to the point of orgasming before he told me to try. I tried but my cock was still too small and I did not understand the point. I did not even know what jacking off was at that point. So he got a balloon and filled it with water, and fitted it over my dick. And I used that to jack off. It felt good and was something we would repeat. Every time I went over for months and nobody else was around we would both lay on his bed and use our masturbatory aids. I always quit before orgasming having to pee and never actually saw him orgasm himself. But whenever another friend came over we had to hurry and dress and keep it a secret.

There were some woods right next to my house. A bunch of my friends and I would always go there an hang out. Eventually Jason and I started going out there alone to hang out. We would get naked and play with each others dicks, but never actually did anything sexual. Eventually Jason started refusing to do this, I think he got afraid of getting caught. But that was my first experience messing around with another guy. After I moved we never kept up, we ran into each other a few times but I always ignored him. I had realized I was gay by then and I think I blamed him. I am positive he was gay, but have never confirmed it.

I had another friend David across the street who was a year or two younger. We would set up obstacle courses in his room and whoever took longer had to do something. It usually started with taking off clothes until we were both in our underwear. I always tried to make him take off his underwear, but he always refused saying no one but his dad ever saw him naked. Instead he would get in the closet, or under his bed, or under his covers and take off his underwear and put it back on. I do not believe he was gay, but that was when I realized one way to tell. I just did not know it at the time.

It was with one of those two friends when I realized I liked boys. I did not know anything was different about it or perceived by some to be “wrong” at the time. I may have those two stories mixed and they happened in reverse order. It was too long ago that I will never remember. It was many years and many stories after this before I realized I was gay and different.

Over the last couple of months I have done a lot of reading and talked to a lot of people that have forced me to start doing some soul searching. Soul searching around questions like why have I not come out to my family yet, why did I move to Colorado and away from all of my family, and what do I wish things would have been like. Over the next several weeks I will be putting my thoughts to paper and posting most of them. I feel that there is a lot that can be learned by sharing my story, both for other gay men and for parents.

I don’t really know where to start so the stories I tell and the conclusions I come to will likely be jumbled and seem not to support each other. I could start with the first things I can remember but starting there will not allow me to come to the conclusions I need to come to. I could start with when I first realized I was gay but starting there omits many important stories. I could start at present and work backward, but that just does not make sense. Instead I think I am going to organize somewhat by theme hopping throughout time with no chronological order of the stories I tell.

I wrote those first two paragraphs hoping that it would provide me inspiration with where to start, but it is still lacking. I think I will start with some information about me that will help you understand how I grew up. You can probably glean this information from other posts on this site, but for those who do not have time to read every post here goes.

I was raised a Catholic in an entirely Catholic family. I do not think I even knew that there was something different than Catholicism until I was in the 3rd grade. I led a very sheltered life being the first child with parents who were afraid that something was going to happen to me. I cannot remember any neighborhood friends before I was in the 2nd grade. All of my friends from school lived in different neighborhoods. I only saw them at school and baseball and soccer.

I was not raised in the best area of town, but in my early years it was not a bad neighborhood. As I grew up the neighborhood gradually declined, but fortunately we moved before it got too bad. When I started 7th grade we moved to a very nice house that was on the edges of the country leaving all of my neighborhood friends behind. They were moving also so even if we stayed they would have been gone. However, in the new neighborhood, or a street really with 10 houses there was no one my age. Therefore through Middle School and High School I was limited to meeting friends at school and begging my parents to let me hang out with them.

I was in Boy Scouts and ran cross country. Both were great opportunities to hang out with other boys, although that is not the real reason I did them. I enjoyed the activities more than sights. When I started both I did not really understand myself.

Upon graduating High School I insisted on getting out of town for school and went to college 2.5 hours away. Far enough that family would not visit at the drop of a hat, but close enough that I could still get a ride home when I wanted. Upon graduating I found a job, spent a year close to home but dreaming about moving to Colorado the entire time. A little over a year after I graduated I picked up roots again and moved to Colorado Springs where I have been ever since. There are times I consider moving again; however, I just bought a house.

I am single but looking. Have not found anyone yet. I have realized I need to come out of my shell. But I have been comfortable in my shell for 26 years so leaving its safety is harder than I would like.

Colorado Spring’s PrideFest was this past weekend, and in my opinion it was a disappointment. The organizers tried to grow into a big city festival by growing into a two day festival. I made an appearance both days and was not impressed by the attendance. In previous years the park has been packed for hours, but this year it seemed empty. I do not think Colorado Springs is ready for a 2 day festival.

Beyond that there were zero public figures in attendance. The organizers could not get the mayor, any city council members, and county commissioners, state representatives, or political figures of any type to make an appearance. All the organizers were able to obtain was a letter to read from one Senator. I understand that Colorado Springs is a conservative city and the list of candidates who might make an appearance is limited, but this was embarrassing.

Beyond that it was one of the worse parades I can remember. The highlight of the parade was a bunch of gorillas in the back of a truck.

The highlight of the parade. A truck of Dancing Gorillas.

More pictures after the jump.
Read entire article.

While I wait for my card reader to arrive so I can post several of my posts for this week here is a preview for this week. Whenever my card reader arrives (Wednesday?) you will learn about the Colorado Springs PrideFest this year, which in my opinion was not one of the better PrideFest, and biking down Pikes Peak.

In other news it is HOT. In Colorado Springs recorded history it has only broken 100 four times. Today my thermometer read 98. I have run my air conditioning the last 3 days which is my quota for a year when I normally turn on my air conditioner for 2 or 3 days.

Michelle Bachmann is continuing to make fun of herself by signing a pledge saying that slavery was better for African American kids than today’s society, dropping out of her church just before the election that states that the papalcy is satan, and that somehow the quote from her husband that gay teenagers are barbarians that need discipline (sounds like BDSM to me) was taken out of context.

Finally, I really dislike Sony. They are too cheap or too lazy to make their Sony Cybershot line work with Macs. For that reason I will never buy another Sony camera.

Oh, and did I mention it is hot?

It sounds to me like Marcus Bachman is into BDSM. After all gay teens need educated and punished.