One thing I have never really talked about is that I have always been somewhat depressed and have very little self confidence in some areas. Prior to November of last year there was usually at least one time a month where, although not seriously, I would briefly consider suicide. I would never get serious about it, and have not ever been serious about suicide since I was in High School, but it was a thought that crossed my mind. My depression prevented me from having a real social life or even seriously looking for a partner.
I never actually sought treatment for my depression, instead I wrote this blog and gave myself wholeheartedly to work where I did not have to think about it. Last November, a lot of things changed. First I got a new job, allowing me to leave my old job where I was not happy. The culture at my new company is much more relaxed and I do not feel that I have to cover my and others asses all of the time. The other change was that I finally came out to my parents.
Since these two things happened, I started more seriously looking for a boyfriend, but not seriously enough. However, I have also been able to start tackling the cause of my lack of self confidence. I have known for years that I need to lose weight, but when I was considering suicide every month I never saw the point in actually putting forth the work. I have lost 20lbs since last November, have started exercising more, and eating better. By no means am I skinny or where I want to be, but I feel a lot better about myself which has opened me up to trying to get into the dating scene. I am much happier now, and suicide is a very rare thought.
The other thing that getting out of this depression has allowed me to do is get control of my finances. To be clear, I do not, nor have I ever had money problems. However, despite the fact that I could live comfortably and have plenty of money, I was in a fair amount of credit card debt and barely had any money saved. I am not out of credit card debt yet, nor do I have as much saved as I would like, but I am in a much better spot now than I used to be.
All of these changes in my life have resulted in one thing. I am generally happy and I am taking this opportunity to start living life rather than hiding from it. I have and will continue to get out of my house more and travel more, which may mean I don’t get around to the task of writing as often. But I am OK with that and in the place that I need to be.