Oct 08 2012

Visiting the Parents

Posted by Chris in Chris
Add comment  

I spent 4 days this past week at my parents house. My parents just bought a new house, and I found myself looking around it and saying if I grew up in this house and this is the house I lived in when I went to High School I would be dead. I looked around and thought I would have hung myself in the foyer. Even though I am now in a place where I am happy and no longer want to commit suicide, whenever I go into that environment it seems to come up in my mind and I start asking what if.

I know it is an absolutely terrible thing to do, but it is something I cannot stop. I believe part of the challenge is my parents and I have never had a real talk about me being gay. Not once since I came out to them 11 months ago have they asked if I had a boyfriend, but before I came out to them at least once a month I got asked about a girlfriend. Nor have I ever been able to talk to them about some of the things they did while I was growing up that has made me resent them. Things like asking me if I was gay in a very condescending way. Things like creating an atmosphere where I had no choice but to follow their religion. And many many more.

I find myself becoming depressed every time I visit. It seems so sterile. It seems like we cannot talk about the things we need to talk about. I know I just need to be myself and I try to, but my parents are not themselves. I am afraid to talk with them about the things I need to talk about with them, not because I am afraid of what the impact would be on my brothers. Honestly, at this point I want my parents to accept me, yes, but I do not care if I hurt their feelings, and am comfortable with the thought that we could still become estranged.

I think it is going to be a really big test the first time I bring a boyfriend to a holiday with me.

So now I am looking at the 3 months ahead and realizing that I am going home twice in the next 3 months and will be home for a full week both times. I am trying to figure out what it is I need to do to maintain my sanity and actually be happy when I am at home. Wish it was an easy answer.

Leave a Reply

If you are writing this comment as advertising, are not being civil, or are not contributing to the discussion please make sure to read the Comment Policy before commenting.

XHTML: You can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>