I have a friend with a son who was just suspended from school last Friday. He was suspended because after a year of verbal bullying he took matters into his own hands and got into a physical fight with this bully.
My friend’s reaction was “I am happy for him. I am happy that he finally stood up for himself. I do not care that he got suspended. This has been going on too long.” From most people this type of reaction would have surprised me, but in this particular case it was what I expected. This was an interesting perspective that I had never really considered before, but the more I think about it the more I believe that her reaction is a disservice to her son.
Her son is different. He meets all of the stereotypes of being gay and has always sent my gaydar off, even before I actually knew him. Granted whether or not he is gay, has no actual bearing on this situation. As everyone knows being different in middle and high school will get you bullied, whether it is because you are gay, short, fat, have too high of a voice, or any distinguishing characteristic.
My friend is very naive. She sees her perfect image of her kids even when confronted with a preponderance of proof that they are not perfect. Her older son was a pot addict, and it took 3 years of all of her friends saying he is smoking pot, before she finally accepted that it might be true. I think this naivety gets her sons into trouble.
Her son complained his Freshman year that he was being bullied too much. So rather than trying to address the problem, give her son the tools to deal with bullying, and work with the school administration on the issue, she transferred him to a new school. As both you and I know transferring to a new school is not going to stop bullying, although in some cases it is truly necessary. Even working with the school administration will never truly stop the problem.
We need to equip kids with the tools to deal with bullying, and stop it if necessary. Avoidance is not a solution as bullying at that age is something that can never be completely avoided. And this is where I was disappointed with my friend. I wish she would have had a different reaction.
I wish her reaction would have been “I understand why he did it, I am happy he stood up for himself, but it was the wrong way to deal with the problem. Here is what he should have done.” This would have been a much better message and have helped provide him with some of the tools he needs to deal with the constant bullying.