My Gay Life

In light of the news that another gay teen committed suicide, some of the discussions this week about bullying, and the fact that I just finished reading the It Get’s Better book, I thought I would offer my view on bullying.

Many people take the tact with bullying that we must eliminate bullying and that must be the only focus. To those people, take your head out of the sand and look around. Bullying is an everyday part of life, even after high school. I see some level of bullying ever day in my work and social environments. Eliminating bullying is not realistic and a focus solely on elimination is a great disservice to everyone. Just the other day I was the victim of a fairly vicious bullying attack and I go nowhere near high schools.

I do agree with people who say we must reduce the amount of bullying that occurs to an extent. However, I do not agree with this mindset and pursuing this at all cost. In my opinion bullying can save a life too, if done in the right way. But more on that later.

The focus around bullying should be how to cope with bullying, and providing our kids with the tools and skills to do this. The It Gets Better project is an example of this as it is a tool to let kids being bullied for their sexual orientation know that they are not alone. They are not the only people who have been bullied for being gay. However, many people point to the project and say that is enough. That is not enough.

There are many levels of coping with being bullied. Different people will have to use a different coping method. Different types of bullying will have to use a different coping method.

The first and best way to cope is to let it roll off your back and ignore it. Eventually the bullies will realize that you do not care. Once they realize this they will either stop bullying you or start bullying you from a different angle until they find one that gets under your skin.

The second option is to tell someone. However, no one wants to be a tattle tale. And once the bully knows you told someone in authority about them they are going to be even more vicious. The people in power cannot see everything.

The third option is to react to the bully and let them know it hurts you. This might stop a small minority of bullies, but a lot of them will just see this as justification to bully you more.

Those are the three options that almost everyone advocates and honestly they work sometimes. But they also fail a lot of the time. The most effective option of those three require you to have a thick skin for a prolonged period of time. And not everyone is that tough.

So I am a staunch believer in the fourth option and get a lot of flack for it. Bully the bully. Bullies want to pick on the easy targets to get a rise out of the target and make the bully feel superior and like they have power. The way to take away this power trip and make yourself a hard target is to bully right back. If a bully calls you a fag respond “Yeah so what, at least I can get some.” or “You only wish because you really want me.”. Do not make an effort to constantly bully the bully, just retort to them when they bully you in a way that puts them down.

I have a lot of people tell me that advocating that last option is wrong, because especially as a gay person we should be doing everything we can to not act like bullies. I understand where those people are coming from, but I staunchly disagree and believe that bullying the bully is the best option to protect people and remove yourself from being the target of a bully.