I know my last few posts have been very upbeat and I definitely should have written this post earlier, but I honestly forgot.
During high school I attempted suicide three times. My definition of attempt may not be the same as everyones, but there were 3 times that it was a very serious option. I thought about suicide on at least a weekly basis, but it was on a very few occasions where I started to act on those thoughts.
I cannot remember for any case why I started to act on my thoughts of suicide exactly, but I know it was a few general things. Underlying to all of them was my being gay, but it was not a specific incident related to being gay that ever set me over the edge. Being gay just had me hovering close to the edge. I never had any resources to talk to about being gay, so it took me a long time to accept that being gay was OK. Note this is different than accepting that I was gay.
What generally sent me over the edge to the point of starting to act was always a fight with my parents. When I was in the bottom of a cycle of depression and got into a nasty fight with my parents I did not see any reason to continue to live. I got progressively further in each of my attempts.
The first attempt I pulled out the knife and held it in my room. I would walk between my room and the bathroom, but every time I got to the bathroom I could not do it and turned around. I did this every night for close to a week.
My second attempt I actually got to the bathroom and stayed in the bathroom, but could never get myself to turn on the water. Unlike my first attempt this only happened once.
My third and final attempt I turned on the water, got in, and was holding the knife to my wrist. I even slashed a few times, but could not get myself to put enough pressure to actually cut.
I do remember from all of these attempts what it was that prevented me from going through with it. I could not stand the thought of what taking my life would do to my friends, my youngest brother, my mom, and my grandparents. My middle brother and my dad were never part of the reason. I could not stand imagining my friends at my funeral, I could not handle the grief I imagined they would face. I could not imagine my friends lives going on without me. I wanted to end my life, but I did not want to hurt my friends, my youngest brother, my mom, or my grandparents. And that is probably the reason I am alive today.
I eventually learned when I had these fights that sent me over the edge, to leave the house and go for a walk. It made me happier, it was better, and I did not have to imagine what would happen to those I cared about. I once went on an 8 hour walk because I was that mad and needed to get away that bad.
If you are reading this and contemplating suicide, please reach out for help. There are many great resources out there including the Trevor Project. Talk to someone, anyone, about your thoughts. I cannot guarantee it will help or change your mind, but you owe it to yourself, your friends, and your family to try.
August 23rd, 2011 at 9:56 pm
Hello, like you and so many others I am a gay man, I told my parents I was not attracted to women in late November of 2010, I was just fourteen. If you aren’t in the mood to read for a while back out while you still can!
(it’s clitche, but I dont care).
My parents thought I was going through a “phase” so I had to correct myself, I told them that I was attracted to men, we had an hour long akward conversation about if I dreamed of men, well (in my head of course) I wish I could dream of men, but sadly I cannot control what I dream of, but yes… if they meant I dreamed of being with a man, later marrying him, I told them if I could be happy with a man then yes. My father (used to be catholic now a non denomination Christian, had closed eyed views of the world, who goes to heaven and hell and why) stone cold facial expressions was mostly silent, in broken tears I asked him what he was thinking of butinsyead of being my father, he decided to go more tlike my therapist. Later that night I found out he thaught God could “heal” me, this was only the beginning of me losing my faith in my parents. Luckily we aren’t rich and my parents wouldn’t be able to help with my collage anyway, so I wasn’t worried, I’m not here to rub it in your face… Just… Someone to talk to, every gay person I know is no role model, sleeping with anyone that walks and is gay. I just wanted a close to normal life, a boyfriend, so I thought I should tell them now so that I could start progressing with my life, later I found out mist gays cone out during 18 at early late twenties so they were financially stable like you, my parents said they loved me, they knew I was the same, happy ending. Not really, my mom made it very clear late last month that she loved me, the same way she would a murderer, or someone who commited suicide, I noticed every time my parents and I “talked” they made me cry, like you I am from Ohio! and, like you (or different) I held a big knife in my room… A voice telling me to end my worthless life, I am not really hansome, I am only smart in history, everything else, average, my sister is pretty perfect she’s shapely, blond, has a nice boyfriend, is way academically above average in most things, but like you when I thought of how my death would affect my friends I never did it, only cried alone… I told my sister in mid July! She said she always knew, my dad didn’t want me to tell her, but I was at that point, disappointed with my parents and didn’t much care, that was just what I needed, me and my sister joked about sexual jokes, and it felt nice joking about gay things with my sister, or we both would raise our eyebrow when there was a cute guy walking by (even though I knew most guys were straight, like you said, it was nice to pretend) it wasn’t hard being in the closet, I took acting classes and acted like a normal guy, still do, that’s why I was surprised my sister kinda knew, my parents, easy to fool, me, “I like a girl in science class” dad,” is she cute” me, “yeah! (in head, “but not attracted to her”). I homeschool but I take classes other places some times, it gets lonely some times, and akward, try watch an In plain sight episode about a gay couple being happy when my parents didn’t accept me, like coals in my stomach. I know you probably dont want advice from a fifteen year old but, I started emotionally preparing myself for my parents, so that I didnt cry when they hinted that they basically love the bible more than me… And everytime I here my mom say, I love you, all I think is, well not as MUCH AS THE BIBLE! and I don’t care about other family members cause if they don’t accept me, I can see there true colors, and I’ll know that they don’t really love, same goes for friends, and remember thow shalt not judge, thats Gods job, and (when you tell your parents) pull out the, is that what Jesus would do? Card, it’s like cryptonight to super Christians, or maybe a, that would make Jesus weep, ah. I don’t really go to a church (but am still a vivid Christian) because most churches, well all condem us, which shame on them cause it’s not there job, I really hope to hear back from you, it’s nice to talk to someone, your blog helped me a lot