My Gay Life

Realizing I was gay and realizing I liked boys are two entirely separate things. I think the first question is when did I realize I liked boys.

It was in the fourth grade when some of my friends started talking about girls. Before then all of the talk was about boys. However, I was a closeted kid and did not think anything of this. It was in the 5th grade when my school did the first mention of sex ed. However, this was more about puberty and child molestation than actual sexuality.

I do not think I even realized I liked boys when I first started playing around with my neighbor. Now there is a story I cannot pass up.

I had a neighbor Jason who lived across the street. Both of his parent’s worked so he was always alone in his house. He was 2-3 years older than me but I did not care, he had all of the great toys. One day I went over to his house to hang out. When he let me in he told me he had something to show me. I did not know what it was at the time, but now I know it was a masturbatory aid.

He showed me how it worked taking off his clothes and using it for a little bit. He never got to the point of orgasming before he told me to try. I tried but my cock was still too small and I did not understand the point. I did not even know what jacking off was at that point. So he got a balloon and filled it with water, and fitted it over my dick. And I used that to jack off. It felt good and was something we would repeat. Every time I went over for months and nobody else was around we would both lay on his bed and use our masturbatory aids. I always quit before orgasming having to pee and never actually saw him orgasm himself. But whenever another friend came over we had to hurry and dress and keep it a secret.

There were some woods right next to my house. A bunch of my friends and I would always go there an hang out. Eventually Jason and I started going out there alone to hang out. We would get naked and play with each others dicks, but never actually did anything sexual. Eventually Jason started refusing to do this, I think he got afraid of getting caught. But that was my first experience messing around with another guy. After I moved we never kept up, we ran into each other a few times but I always ignored him. I had realized I was gay by then and I think I blamed him. I am positive he was gay, but have never confirmed it.

I had another friend David across the street who was a year or two younger. We would set up obstacle courses in his room and whoever took longer had to do something. It usually started with taking off clothes until we were both in our underwear. I always tried to make him take off his underwear, but he always refused saying no one but his dad ever saw him naked. Instead he would get in the closet, or under his bed, or under his covers and take off his underwear and put it back on. I do not believe he was gay, but that was when I realized one way to tell. I just did not know it at the time.

It was with one of those two friends when I realized I liked boys. I did not know anything was different about it or perceived by some to be “wrong” at the time. I may have those two stories mixed and they happened in reverse order. It was too long ago that I will never remember. It was many years and many stories after this before I realized I was gay and different.