I have been reflecting on why every time I consider going out to a bar or another place to meet other gay guys for some reason or other I end up not going. I have realized that this is because I am not happy with myself. I do not like my looks right now and I don’t want to go out and have a miserable time because I cannot find anyone interested in dancing or chatting with me.
When I ran cross country I used to be a 6’1” 150 lb twig. Well I grew older, my metabolism slowed, and I suffered a running career ending injury. (Not that my running career was going anywhere anyway.) As a result of both of these I have put on several pounds and got out of shape. Earlier this summer the excuse I would use is I will wait until I get the cash to buy a bike and start exercising again. Well, I have a bike and am exercising again but I still don’t go out. This is because I haven’t even come close to getting where I want to be. Yes, I know I just need to say screw it and go out, and I probably will this weekend.
Well this has led me to start thinking. Most of us try to be as skinny and in shape as possible fretting over our looks. We worry about our hair, and our clothes, and well everything else about us. But why do we do this? Is it because we are worried about what other people will think about our looks?
It would seem like concern about other people’s opinions is the reason we worry about our looks. I don’t know many people who get all dressed up just to sit around the house all day, so yes this does seem like the correct answer. However, I am not so sure.
I think we worry about our looks because we are worried about living up to our own visions of ourselves. If you envision yourself as the twink you are going to fret about making yourself look like a twink, but you are going to be doing this for yourself. You won’t be doing this for others enjoyment you will be doing it because you think you are a twink. This can lead someone to be depressed or like me not have a social life because we are not happy with ourselves.
What I have realized from this is even though you have accepted that you are gay, it does not mean you have accepted yourself for who you are. You have just accepted one aspect of your life. Not until you accept your looks, your sexual orientation, your personality, etc. have you really accepted yourself for who you are.
Now to go start trying to figure out what gay bars in Indy to go to…
September 19th, 2007 at 11:33 pm
I think the words of Oscar Hammerstein apply, from the musical Oklahoma:
“I’d like to teach you all a little sayin’
And learn the words by heart the way you should
I don’t say I’m no better than anybody else,
But I’ll be damned if I ain’t jist as good! ”
I refuse in public to acknowledge in any way, by any action, that any person is better than me. I concede the fact that they may actually be better than me in some ways, but I’ll be damned if I give anybody the satisfaction of seeing me treat them as if they are better.
Now the flip side. The best fortune cookie message I ever got said “to be loved, be lovable”. The message implies that you have some control of your lovability by being able to change things about yourself. I think that means that its okay not to accept 100% of who you currently are, because if people did there would be no personal improvement.
Lesson learned: 1) no matter where a person currently is on the lovability scale, their high value as a person is unaffected. 2) If and when you are ready, you can always make yourself better in some way to some degree.
October 11th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
Hey Chris!
Loved the post. You’re totally right. I posted on this at Bilerico, if you want to read about it.
October 11th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
Alex, thanks for referencing me in your post. Skye I agree with what you say and I don’t think when I was writing the post I was trying to say you have to accept yourself 100%, but you do have to accept yourself enough to be happy and willing to go out.
As an update, I still have not made it to a gay bar, but this is mostly because I have not had a chance since I posted this. Every weekend between when I posted this and now I have either had company in town or been out of town myself. I hope to go out tomorrow.