So, I have not posted in a while, but there has not been anything to post about. I have yet to come out to anyone, but I do not feel that there is anyone I can come out to who will not crack the occasional joke about it. In two weeks, I leave all of my college friends behind. We are dispersing and none of my good friends are going to the same city as me.
My best friends from high school all live at least 4 hours away from me, and I can’t exactly go and talk with them anytime I need someone to talk to. Truly the best friends I had were from high school. The people I know from college, yeah we will hang out together, but we are not super good friends that will support each other through anything. I am moving to a new city where I do not know anyone, do not have any friends, and do not have any support for when I need it. I just feel really alone.
I am considering coming out to my friends from high school next time I see them, but coming out to them is really no help for me. Yeah, I can talk to them occasionally, but they are not someone you can just go sit down with and talk, I can call or I can IM, but not talk. I do not have a support network and of all times, this is probably the time I need a support network the most. I need one good friend who will understand, and listen when I need someone to listen, but I do not feel I have anyone I can do that with.
I do not feel there is anyone in my family I can rely on for support either. My dad and I really do not get along. My mom and I do get along, but I do not want to put her through this especially knowing what my dad’s reaction is likely to be. I do not get along with one of my brothers, and the other is too young to understand. I do not think one set of my grandparents would be supportive, and the other side would not be able to keep their mouths shut. My family seems to be a lost cause for support. Maybe I am wrong, but I am not comfortable relying on them for support.
I wish I came out a couple years ago. A time when I was not in a constant state of change, a time when I had a support network that would be there for at least a couple of years, a time when things were stable. Not now when I do not have any of these, not when everything is changing. I wish I had come out my freshman or sophomore years of college, or maybe even while I was in high school. I have known since I was in middle school, but I have been too afraid, and I cannot lie to myself or anyone else anymore.
If I had to do it all over again, I would have come out at least 3 years ago. No I probably would not have come out to my parents, not even today, but I would have come out to many of my friends. I would not have been living a lie for 21 years of my life, I would be free to be myself.
If I could give one piece of advice to other closeted gays it would be, do not be afraid to come out. You can choose to come out to selective people and not come out to everyone. Unless you are a feminine and want to be flamboyantly gay there is nothing to stop you from only being partially out of the closet. Consider who you come out to carefully, if you think your parents will disown you and cut you off, do not come out to them until you are financially stable and no longer need their help, on the other hand if you think they will accept you come out to them because you will need their support. Being gay is not easy, it is something most of us wish we were not, but it is who we are and being open about it is the only way you will be happy.
