This is another continuation of my biography.
Well one day my parents learned I was looking at porn again. My dad confronted me one night about it, and although I don’t remember all of the details about the conversation, there is one particular part I remember. He said “I am afraid. Are you gay”. Well with him talking about being afraid, I answered no. Ever since then I have resolved to not come out to my parents until I had moved out and no longer needed to be dependent on them. Seeing as I am still in college I have not come out to them yet.
It was around this time I was running cross country which many would think that I ran because I was running barely clad with other barely clad good looking guys. And yes the guys were good looking but I ran cross country because I enjoy running.
The cross country team was like a family to me as anyone who has ever run cross country can understand. However, the guys on the team would frequently make some comment or others about gays. As much as I tried to brush them off you never really can. Not knowing anyone who has seemed accepting I started to become depressed and feel isolated and alone.
I began considering suicide or running away. I reached the point I kept a sack of stuff packed in case I ever decided to leave one day. The closest I ever came to running away, I walked out on my mom during and argument and walked around town for four hours. I calmed down over this time but if anything angered me in the next week I probably would have run away. I also began thinking about suicide and it was only my extended family and some of my best friends from cross country that kept me from doing it.
I did make one big mistake among others I want to mention. I never talked to anyone about my suicidal thoughts. I find myself wondering what would be different now if I had talked to someone and they helped me get help and be happier.